where have i been?
(we’re vibin’).
(how long have you been?
& where have i been?)
we’re vibin’.
welcome to my stream of somewhat consciousness…we’re so glad you stopped by.
I miss writing prose. I miss the drug of inspiration. This drug isn’t pushy; it won’t get in the way with other drugs at play. And seeing how I haven’t given myself a break from other drugs… It is no wonder I have not been writing.
It is a wonder I write at all.
31. That’s a number, not a name. It’s a time keeper, not a title, it’s a measurement tool if you want it to be. It’s a number, it’s math, I don’t like math. Math is everything. I don’t like anything?
I just had an honest conversation with my mother. Maybe the realest. The most pleasant. No agenda, no aggression. I guess Grandmas’ [thank the lord] successful open heart surgery has a way of softening the family dynamics.
Makes you take a minute, forget the bullshit, actually listen to each other.
RESOLVE:
Live in the frame of mind that you think your material world will provide you; conjure those emotions, those feelings, those states of beings, those cognitive patterns, those responses, those relationships, build the inner foundation, sustain those frameworks; manifestation is much more practical than I have been led to believe.
I invite you to witness what is the absolutely, unapologetically schizophrenic freak show that is my brain [relax, it’s yours too]
Me: If you want to have abundance, live like you have abundance before the physical manifestation of abundance. Live in embodied expectation and lived hope.
Also me: Nice words. But isn’t this dangerous? Couldn’t this lead to needless consumerism and massive mistakes that cannot be undone? Wouldn’t this send you on an irrevocable path? Best to stay realistic, kid.
Still me: You think once you have abundance , that is how you’re going to behave? Also what are you talking about, money? When you say abundance do you just mean you wish you had a lot of money?
Yep, me: Hey dude, chill, you’re making good points but you’re being an asshole.
Natalie: Okay. Let’s define abundance.
Miss Wiarda: Abundance is the opposite of scarcity. It’s the lack of lack. It’s having everything you need, and possibly more-
Interrupting cow- well which is it, is it everything you need or it is more, is it also things you want?
Me: Yeah it’s wanting for nothing I suppose. And it’s not just money, asshole. It’s monetary, it’s relational, it’s physical health, it’s experiences and communion with nature, laughter and joy, abundance in all possible avenues of life, living out of an overflowing cup, an oasis. No fear of lack. It’s trust that daily needs are met, and wants are on their way.
don’t look at me: okay and you’re telling me to live like this, even if I don’t feel like I have enough money. If I don’t feel like I have the best relationships, and if I don’t get out in the forest as much as I wish I did? And then what? It’s going to magically manifest?
back to me: back to your point, tho, if I had a lot of money, no , I don’t think I would act like that. I think I would be responsible and accountable with what I have.
look at me: pffffffffftttttttttttt-
NOTICE ME: SHUT IT. girl. you’re a witch. you are a creator, you are created, you command energies and create your own reality. everyone can do this. hardly anyone does. the programmed robot reality you have been in is one option. there are other levels to this game, other settings, other Players.
her name was Nat: …calm down.
I used to spell it Nataly: this conversation is embarrassing Iam NOT posting this.
moi: shut up.
little old me: you’re not even trying! to be nice! you’re such an asshole!
I:
talk to Me: “if you want to be a nice person, then be a nice person”. Is that how you do it? Am I magically nice now? This is bullshi-
meeeee: if you approach everything in this life with constant addiction to and need for cynicism and sarcasm, when you belittle and berate, trust me on this : all of your worst nightmares about who you are terrified to turn into will come true. you can manifest bad shit as well. the energy you put out is the energy we attract. what we practise, we become very very very very good at. Practise makes permanent. So keep it up. See what happens.
me me me me me Me: silence.
Meme: thank god. where were we.
Me: It’s kind of a cool challenge. It’s like this radical permission to play, and use our imagination. We want to see the number in our bank account grow, and while we will still do the things we need to do — go to work, show up, work hard, dot the i’s, shake the hands, kiss the asses — we also play with the idea that we are already living in the reality we want. It means we are always practising radical acceptance of each moment, it means we can be generous because we already have more than enough, it is not some pithy idea backed up by delusion and denial.
To those (ahem) who say it is unrealistic, I challenge it with the exact opposite. It is more based in Actual Reality than living in scarcity ever is. I’m not sure who THEY is, but THEY want you to hate yourself. To believe that you never have enough, that you are not enough ( we kind of aren’t but that’s a different subject). If you never think you have enough, how much more receptive is your monkey brain going to be to product placement, to tailored ads and genius marketing strategies? So much so that we do not even know it is happening all , the fucking, time.
Surround yourself with other believers. Be around people who inspire you to be imaginative and creative with your resources, living in abundance of mental health, of support, plants, animals, children, community, clean towels, fresh herbs, good wine, a quiet evening, a working albeit shitty car, an easy dog, a spice for every dish, finding 10 bucks in your pocket, the feeling of watching Star Trek, knowing all your neighbours, truly knowing, the good things about the Internet, breathing in, breathing out, Wreck beach, live music, new friends, old friends leaving making so much space for, more new friends, a good memory, strong hands, my daily bread.
make your own list. it’s not that different than just acknowledging your gratitude.
Choose abundance . Choose to manifest that desired FEELING and then expect the physical reality to follow. Live with the sensations that you think your physical desires will bring you.
What do you think having a lot of money will make you feel? Free? Generous? Safe?
So do it. Be free, be generous, feel safe. The physical reality will follow. Prove me wrong. Conjure those states, and with every breath, remember what it is you wanted to feel . You do not need money to feel those things.
Me: 🖕
Me: Ignore her. Read Core Desired Feelings, push past the cheese, get your eye rolls out of the way, and experience the message and how it can change your life. We get one ride, as far as anyone can attest to, right?
Put your hands in the air. Create your reality. It’s not stirring a cauldron and louring children with candy. It’s not broomsticks or wands, but it is magic. It’s energy work and it is possible for everyone to access it. It’s harder to find, and you will be made to feel unhinged. So be it. I want to at least try. I have nothing to lose.
Me: you have no idea what you’re talking about, do you.
Me: nope.
Me: wanna try anyway?
Me: FINE.
Me:
